Hi guys!

  My feelings of overconfidence are GONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNEEEEE. I guess I got my wish, since I was worried about becoming a narcissist. I feel so useless. I want a life.

 

I think all years from 0 to 18 are wasted time.

I was wondering if anyone here is on MAC's mailing list and might be able to help me out. I got a really pretty card from them today advertising their up-and-coming new collection, Cult of Cherry, and it says in the card, "For your first taste of Cult of Cherry, see a MAC artist at a store near you." Does this mean I'm invited to sample the new collection before they launch it? I'm wondering if that's what it is because between the time I signed up and now they've launched a bunch of new collections and this is the first card I've gotten from them.

Help? :o

  Sado-masochism is perfectly fine, despite the fact that it's physical torture. People get tattoos, including body suits. People brand themselves. But if they cut while they're angry they're insane. Anyone else think that's stupid?

I'll talk about all the fun I had at camp later. I'm lazy and frustrated. :/

 

About a week and a half ago it came to my attention that Aubrey is a dirty rotten liar. I'm now as single as an amoeba and I'm going through these weird spells. Girl Scout camp is about the best place ever to have a breakup, especially when you're one of four lesbians there, but I'm still all over the place. I've developed something of an ego, which scares me a little, and it alternates with numb anger and plain despair. She didn't break my heart. She DID NOT. But I'm so fricking lonely. And free at the same time. I feel like a wild woman.

 

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALP. D:

   Is there a law somewhere saying that fathers have to act like their teenage daughters are stupid?

NOTHING makes sense anymore. At all.

I'm not entirely sure where it started. I think it started becoming apparent last night (early this morning, actually) when I lost my patience in the basement of Silent Hill 0rigins' Cedar Grove Sanitarium (yeah, I play SH, it's great. :D) because I COULD NOT FOR THE LIFE OF ME get to where I needed to be. I guess that game has become a working metaphor of my life, considering I let a couple monsters finish off Travis a few minutes later just so I could turn the stupid console off because I was getting nowhere.

I think my brain is broken. Nothing is going the way I need it to. I'm really hoping it's a simple fix, something like three months of freedom and no school. I know I'll be needing that either way, because this school is strangling the life out of me. It's in a freaking bubble. A bubble full of stupid people with no personality, no knowledge of reality, nothing but their insane amounts of money for things like iPhones and luxury SUVs. There's no imagination, no compassion, no sense of unity, no nothing. The district is really good at faking it but it's not there. If you've ever seen a fish that's about to die of ammonia poisoning, that's what my mind is like right now.

I don't know what has gotten into me but I am a LOT less willing to just accept life in a bubble. The world is much more beautiful outside it and I want out. I want something I can't get here. Escaping that bubble is my rebellion, because I may be a "stupid teenager" but I'm not about to mess with anything like drugs/alcohol/sex/etc. because that is truly stupid. Unfortunately, just as in every rebellion, there are people against it, which I understand, but that's frustrating too because......well,  because I'm stubborn, obviously, but also because I feel like maybe I'm old enough to do at least some thinking for myself. I don't know everything and I don't pretend that I do but I try, y'know? I try to do a bit better than the average teenager.

 

I just wish people had a little more faith in me is all. And I hope I'm making some sense.

[[ THIS ACTUALLY DOESN'T SAY WHAT I MEANT IN FULL. I HAD TROUBLE FINDING PROPER WORDS TO CONVEY IT ALL BUT I SUPPOSE WITH THINGS THIS DEEP IT ONLY MAKES SENSE THAT WORDS ARE IMPOSSIBLE ]]

 

 

There is a girl I knew once, a very long time ago. It was seventh grade. She moved away, but we talked sometimes.

She's dead now. She left behind so many people, but what I can't help thinking about the most is that she had a girl she loved with her whole heart, just like I do, and now the one she loved is left on this Earth without her.

The greatest honor one can do to the dead is to take care of the living, to never forget, to learn from it. So why, then, would I give up the one I love, who loves me as well? How does that make sense.

I can't explain the bond I have with her. Everytime I try to explain it gets interpretted wrong, so I'll try this one last time and if it still seems completely senseless there isn't really anything I can do.

When I say I love her it isn't just words. In fact, there are no words. "I love you" is not enough anymore. It doesn't dig deep enough. There's a bond that's been there forever......why else would I be right back where I started, after two years? After being ripped apart, after thinking I hated her, after trying to forget, WHY would I find my way back to her and be completely at home? Nothing that profound is ever coincidence.

This isn't something hollow. This isn't "like". I'm not a parasite. I'm not a leech. I'm not dependent upon her for happiness. She is part of my happiness. She makes me complete. She's that special someone. She is the only one in this life who truly needs me. She knows me the best. She's seen the deepest into me of anyone. I won't find anyone else like her in this lifetime. I won't find anyone else who loves me like she does, and I'm not saying that because I hate myself or I think no one loves me at all, I say it because I KNOW with every fiber of my being that it's true. So remind me again why I should let go. Remind me why I should give up that treasure. That is the fool's move. To let go of true love is to let a part of your soul fly away with the wind.



So try arguing with me again. I'm not crazy, people just lack understanding of how I work.

Okay, to be completely honest, the reason I never blog on here is because I'm a kid and I'm afraid of making bold statements in front of adults because I don't want to look stupid, which makes NOOOOOOOOO sense whatsoever but I'm just paranoid. It's not like I don't think of things to blog about.

 

THERE, I SAID IT. >.<

It's been forever since I posted here, sorry guys. XP I don't actually have anything to talk about right now but I'll try to be on more. :o

I hope you're all having a wonderful day!!!! *^^*

   It has come to my attention that a friend is under the impression that I don't care, and if I may say so the email I got in regards to that was rather hurtful.

   I've decided that it will be best for me to leave here. For whatever reason I can't clear the background to my page, but I am leaving. It's not that I've quit caring, it's that I refuse to remain out in the open where I am vulnerable to further comments. I've cleared my 360 page for the same reason. I can't stop anyone from emailing me and petitioning me to come back, but keep in mind that it won't convince me either way. If I come back it will be on my own time.

   It really hurts that a friend I love and care for would really think I don't care. I'd like to apologize right now to anyone who has been upset at me for anything I may have done (such as not posting a comment because I couldn't think of anything that would actually sound meaningful), but I am not perfect.

   I'm absolutely certain I'm crossing lines right now and I'm also certain I'm going to get a backlash from this but I don't care. I'm used to people being upset at me, so I'll just be numb to it all.