Hi guys!

May 17, '08 1:50 AM
for everyone

[[ THIS ACTUALLY DOESN'T SAY WHAT I MEANT IN FULL. I HAD TROUBLE FINDING PROPER WORDS TO CONVEY IT ALL BUT I SUPPOSE WITH THINGS THIS DEEP IT ONLY MAKES SENSE THAT WORDS ARE IMPOSSIBLE ]]

There is a girl I knew once, a very long time ago. It was seventh grade. She moved away, but we talked sometimes.

She's dead now. She left behind so many people, but what I can't help thinking about the most is that she had a girl she loved with her whole heart, just like I do, and now the one she loved is left on this Earth without her.

The greatest honor one can do to the dead is to take care of the living, to never forget, to learn from it. So why, then, would I give up the one I love, who loves me as well? How does that make sense.

I can't explain the bond I have with her. Everytime I try to explain it gets interpretted wrong, so I'll try this one last time and if it still seems completely senseless there isn't really anything I can do.

When I say I love her it isn't just words. In fact, there are no words. "I love you" is not enough anymore. It doesn't dig deep enough. There's a bond that's been there forever......why else would I be right back where I started, after two years? After being ripped apart, after thinking I hated her, after trying to forget, WHY would I find my way back to her and be completely at home? Nothing that profound is ever coincidence.

This isn't something hollow. This isn't "like". I'm not a parasite. I'm not a leech. I'm not dependent upon her for happiness. She is part of my happiness. She makes me complete. She's that special someone. She is the only one in this life who truly needs me. She knows me the best. She's seen the deepest into me of anyone. I won't find anyone else like her in this lifetime. I won't find anyone else who loves me like she does, and I'm not saying that because I hate myself or I think no one loves me at all, I say it because I KNOW with every fiber of my being that it's true. So remind me again why I should let go. Remind me why I should give up that treasure. That is the fool's move. To let go of true love is to let a part of your soul fly away with the wind.

So try arguing with me again. I'm not crazy, people just lack understanding of how I work.

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leathermenace wrote on May 17

And don't love just feel grand? I was so backward the first time I felt it I thought I had the flu. All I knew was I never wanted to get well. We grew closer and closer and were going to move in together. She had a son who was with her mother in New York. As hard as I begged I couldn't get her to send for the boy instead of leaving to get him. She never returned, and it took me two years to learn that she had been killed, and another 20 years to believe that I would ever find love again.

I can see that you feel very deeply for this girl and in the same breath I can't help but try to warn that you might not want to corner your heart at such an early age. none of us is promised tomorrow, and young hearts don't deserve to be nailed to crosses, not for love or anything else. Life and love is a long and wild ride. It will take you to some of the highest highs and even to some of the lowest lows. Just remember that this ride lasts a life time. Try to remember there's no rush and pace yourself and just try to just enjoy the ride.

roolee73 wrote on May 17, edited on May 17

I agree with leathermenace except to say one other thing...don't forget common sense. Sometimes one ends up giving away too much of themselves only to become a crutch for the other that may be struggling with things. Then it becomes a co-dependency issue. It's one thing to help another through a difficult time, but another to throw yourself on the tracks while doing it. I hope it doesn't sound callous of me to say this, Jessmess, but remember to protect yourself first, think things through, get the advice of those you love and trust and be at peace with yourself. Anytime one is struggling with matters of the heart or otherwise, it means there is something that needs to be addressed and worked through....figure out exactly what that might be and deal with it right away. You're strong, you have a great support group of family and friends, you're extremely smart and I know you will be fine and the love that is meant for you WILL be there, it's fate, it's destiny, you don't have a say in it :) Love and hugs to you, sweetie. Let us know how it goes.

shiksappeal wrote on May 17

jessie, you sound just like me sometimes. we feel love for people, whether romantic or otherwise, and it is very misunderstood. after taking a few philosophy classes at the university and taking a couple of religious classes, i am more convinced that there is nothing wrong with having and feeling so much love for people. in fact, that is what god does. he loves people and it usually doesnt get misinterpreted.

but our fellow human beings sometimes don't understand. that intense emotion is misunderstood as neediness. i have been accused of that too many times in life and i have given up trying to get close to people as a result, just so i can't be accused of it. that is not normal, especially for a person who is so sociable and desires connection with others.

i would have to agree that you are too young to feel that you will never feel that way again or even something close. i'm positive that you will find another that makes you feel something very similar. you are too wonderful of a human being to not have hope that you will find love again.

now, when you get to MY age, that is something altogether different! lol. maybe if there is a man out there who is an actual grown-up, but i'm not hopeful...

i love you sweetie pie!!!!

roolee73 wrote on May 17

and then when you get to MY age.....you'll say omg, what was all that drama crap about!!! Hugs, sweetie. You'll do just fine in life and love. :)

shiksappeal wrote on May 17

lol...i can always count on you, roo, to make me laugh! and that makes me miss you even more!!

wingedatrocity wrote on May 18

I appreciate all of your support. :]

I definitely know what you mean about not closing myself off completely this young, but right now I'm definitely all hers. I don't know what will happen in the future, but I have a FEELING that this is going to stay as is........

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that the whole reason I've got someone trying to convince me that letting go is a better idea than holding on is because Aubrey's (yes, that is her name. <3) took her out of school because of her grades and she's grounded and stuff and I don't know when we'll get to talk or see each other again.......

roolee73 wrote on May 18

I know that's rough. I have a friend here that had almost the same thing happen. The girl's brother ran to mom and dad and "outed " her...well, the parent's immediately withdrew her from school and sent sent her to another town to live with relatives. It broke my friend's heart, sho lost a bunch of weight and couldn't sleep...finally they figured out that they could borrow friends cell phones to text back and forth. Finally when the girl turned 17 she told her relatives she was moving back here and was staying with a friend....she moved in to my friend's house. Sadly they broke up a couple of years ago. Both have new partners and are happy. Hang in there, it's going to be ok.

wingedatrocity wrote on May 18

Aw. D:

Yeah, I'll be fine, it's just so annoying that her mom is so stupid. I mean seriously, how much sense does that make? "Oh, your grades are crap so I'm going to demolish your social life in hopes it will make you that much more willing to pay attention."

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